Not quite there.
One of my fondest wishes is to stop referring to the Jewish people as they and instead use the word we. And while I am not in a position to officially say such a thing, I want to get used to using that word because in a year or two it will be true, and I don’t want to use they anymore. I will have reached where I most desire to be.
I was talking with some friends about Judaism last night, and I was cruising along using we until I let a they slip, and I was mortified. Not because it’s so unreasonable, but because it’s not where I want to be. It was a reminder that I’m not quite there.
It’s disheartening. Sometimes, when I’m praying at the synagogue and stumbling over the Hebrew, I think, “Be patient. This will come.” But I want it to happen now. I desire for what I feel in my heart to be the whole truth. And I don’t think anyone who isn’t on this journey will truly understand.
So when will it come? When will we become reflexive? I don’t know. It can’t happen soon enough, though. I can say that much. In the meantime, I hope those I’m talking to understand that I’m not trying to distance myself; instead, I’m struggling to close that distance. It’s been a long time coming, and there’s a lifetime of habit to break.